I Still Love You

“I knew you were trouble when you walked in. I tried to stop staring at you. I wish you had never shown up that day. It changed my world. I never stopped looking at you ever since. It was a bright sunny day and I was flabbergasted when you stood in front of me. You were right there, standing tall and beautiful in that blue saree and a black blouse. I remember you had your hair tied up neatly in a bun and a strand of curly hair caressed your cheek as you turned to talk to your friend. I couldn’t help but notice your beautiful eyes. I never thought I’d feel that way, ever. I felt that sudden blood rush and a sudden urge to walk up to you. You flicked your hair and I saw your bright ear rings. You tucked your hair strand behind the ear and I wished I was that blue ear ring. I knew, at that very moment, when you walked away, with each step, that you were the one. You started laughing and everything suddenly lit up. The blue saree that traced your waistline was just perfect. You were the epitome of elegance. I wanted to touch your hair and tuck it behind the ear for you.”

One fine day, I walked up to her in college. She looked amazing in a black t shirt and blue jeans. I asked her if she knew the answer to a question that I pointed to. She was a best combination of beauty with brains. That moment I felt my heart skip another beat as she looked into the book and tucked her hair behind the ear. I could hear my heart pound. The smell of her perfume made me crazy.

She wore the same perfume every day for 3 years. I was so sure she would be mine for the rest of my life. It was perfect. Everything was planned. I was happy with her. I knew she was very filmy and I wanted this day to be perfect, just like her.

I waited by the beach. She had told me once that she loved romantic setups by the beach. I made sure everything was set up the way she had imagined. Red flowers, white sheets, lamps, wine and candles. The ocean glowed luminous turquoise and one by one the last rays of the day’s sunshine disappeared into the horizon. I was happy and nervous at the same time. She told me she was looking forward to this evening. “I will wait for you”, I told her. I imagined she might jump around with joy when I would go down on my knees and hand her the ring. I was not sure if she’d cry or hug me tight. I was curious and I wanted to let her know that I was ready to marry her and that I could take care of her forever.

It was a normal day at work. My manager wanted me to organize this huge event that our company was going to sponsor. I did not like the venue. It gave me creeps every time I drove past that place. It was a beautiful evening. I had to be there early in order to set up things. I was numb as I saw the white sheets being used. Red flowers, lamps, and those wine glasses reminded me of that evening. As the sun began to set, I walked a little closer to the beach. I stood there staring into the horizon. The 22-year-old me was back. Feelings that come back are feelings that never left.

Everything came back to me like a kaleidoscope of memories. Everything except her. I knew she was special, but I also knew her world moved too fast. She was a wish in the well. I knew one day my wish would be true but I never knew I’d have to wait so long. It is funny how the memories you thought you’d cherish, become your enemies afterwards. I felt her absence each day. It felt like waking up in the middle of a sea, thirsty. I was naïve, lost in her and the idea of falling in love with her and beyond. I dreamt of her and our happy endings together. I wanted to share everything with her. I wanted to look into her eyes again and tell her how much I loved her just like old times.

Everything was the same, only this time, she showed up.

I guess I was still holding on to something that I knew would probably never happen, because somewhere deep down inside me, I have this little piece of hope that someday, it will. She stood beside me beautiful and gorgeous as ever.  I wanted answers. I wanted to know what had happened. Seven years had passed by. My heart skip a beat the same way it did, when I first saw her. I was confused, frustrated and angry. There were mixed emotions and I wanted to hug her tight but she seemed very calm, as if nothing was important to her. It felt as if she was used to living this way. Just when I thought, I had the courage to talk to her, she looked at me, whispered, “I still love you” and walked away.

InExAcT as always.
–Sheekha